This morning I realized that while I am very talented in my communication and interactions with other people I choose not to do so as much as possible. Maybe it’s the 34 unread text messages notification on my phone or maybe it’s everyone’s calls I ignore all day. It just struck me that I am different now. I don’t want to fuck with anyone maybe that’s because I’m leaving and this is my way of making it easier on myself.
This past year has been really weird and honestly I’m incredibly glad it’s over. Like I feel like I interact with people much differently now but it’s like no one can tell because I’m so good at making it seem like I’m sincere with what I’m saying. And maybe it means I’m a piece of shit to do this to people but I don’t see people the same anymore. I thought I could care about people and I thought I cared about certain people but it turns out me caring about someone so much literally almost killed me and the pain I went through every day was indescribable. Without me really noticing it I cut myself off from the ability to care about people. I can’t care about people anymore and I guess I have translated other people to something that can hurt me in my mind, so I stay away. It’s all really weird to me and I guess me believing that someone really cared for and loved me really fucked me up. Because I believed that. You said I was special, you said I was the only one for you, you said you love me like you’ll never love anything else, and you said forever. I believed everything you said. And now look what you’re doing and look what I mean to you. Nothing. I was so incredibly stupid for believing. Now I don’t believe in anything.
I really am not looking forward to my birthday because the day after that is when everything fell apart. I convinced myself I don’t feel anything for anyone anymore but here I am
I didn’t become heartless , I just became smarter. My happiness will not depend on someone else . Not anymore
It’s really bad this morning
Worse than yesterday and I cried for like 30 minutes after I woke up yesterday